Memory and Justice

Maggie and I quickly learned that every Cambodian celebration starts with a traditional Khmer dance. Young ladies adorned in bright colors, gold headpieces, and jasmine flowers welcome the beginning of the celebration, whatever it may be. From ordinations of priests to openings of schools, there is always a beautiful Khmer dance to start you off. The girls move slowly in the most beautiful fluid motions, and dance in perfect harmony with the traditional Khmer music. The whole thing is beautiful and I doubt I will ever grow tired of it. I think it’s a wonderful way to preserve tradition, which is something that Cambodia really needs. I know it's been a while since I've written anything, but this blog post was a little harder to write.

December 10th is International Human Rights Day, which was a holiday for our school, as well as Clare and Sarah’s. The Sisters from Teuk Thala suggested Clare and Sarah go to the Tuol Sleng Genocide museum, and suggested Maggie and I go as well. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting at the museum and it’s still hard to describe. I’d been to the Holocaust Museum in Houston when I was in grade school, but this was going to be different. 

A billboard of the children who survived Tuol Sleng.

Tuol Sleng is 1 of the 150 execution centers the Khmer Rouge used from 1975-1979. What had once been a beautiful school was turned into a mass detention center in the middle of the city. The area around Tuol Sleng has been rebuilt with tall apartments and small markets surrounding the area. You’d almost miss the entire area completely if you weren’t paying attention, but it is in this area that time stands still. While the area around the school is full of life and loud, it is here at Tuol Sleng that things are quiet, as if there were a sound barrier around the area. As you enter Tuol Sleng, you can almost imagine how beautiful the school must have been and that the students must have loved it. Maybe I was just trying to imagine some good coming from this area, telling myself at one point in it’s history, people were receiving an education. This was the only reassurance of something good coming from this piece of land. 

Barbed wire to discourage captives from suicide.

The four main buildings which were once used to hold victims in mass and for individual interrogations now showcase photographs, instruments of torture, and prisoner cells. The second and third floors of are covered in barbed wire to keep people from committing suicide and remain on each of the buildings. The Khmer Rouge kept a very detailed report of every person who was at Tuol Sleng, which included a photograph, however these got separated from their original files and the photographs today remain without a name. The photos feature men and women who were prisoners, but also include members of the Khmer Rouge, whom our tour guide also referred to as victims, as Pol Pot, the leader of the Khmer Rouge, frequently turned on the very people who worked for him. The methods they used to torture people are on display, from electric shock to water boarding and every other form of torture one could imagine. The Khmer Rouge only spared people that they thought were useful. Mechanics, artists, and carpenters were spared, as the Khmer Rouge could use their talents to honor Pol Pot or help the Khmer Rouge as a whole. Doctors, dancers, educators, monks, government officials, students or anyone that the Khmer Rouge saw as a threat were taken as prisoners.  An estimated 17,000 men, women, and children died at Tuol Sleng. One of the most heart wrenching pictures is that of a woman holding a small infant during her portrait. We later learned that she was separated from her child after that photo and taken into a mass holding cell, while her child was killed later that night. The photos of the children were the hardest to look at. Their innocent faces filled with fear. They didn’t deserve this. No one deserves this.

There are only 12 known survivors of Tuol Sleng, though only 3 are thought to still be alive. Two of them have written books about their experience and come to Tuol Sleng to talk about what they endured. I imagine it to be veery difficult to do this, and yet they do. Maybe in hopes that it will bring closure. There are some leaders who are still alive, however most have been sentenced to life in prison. Pol Pot died of natural causes in 1998. Our tour guide spoke very honestly that though they did this to their own people and that the Cambodian people want justice for all the lives lost,  sentencing the final four to death would not bring justice to the lives lost. That takes a lot of strength to say. The repercussions of the Khmer Rouge are still present today. For some of the girls, this was how their parents met; Pol Pot married off men and women to each other before sending them off to work in the fields. We talked about family trees a few weeks ago in my class and many of my girls would tell me of grandparents or aunts and uncles who were victims of the Khmer Rouge. It’s taken me a very long time to process this, and I still don’t think I’m done.  It’s taken me this long to process what I walked through in only 2 hours, but this doesn't even begin to compare to the healing process of the people who live here. The people who lived through it. The people who were victims of this terrible act against humanity.

So how did I get from the beauty of dance to the dark history of the Khmer Rouge? On December, 15th we had the inauguration of the school at Teuk Thala, which began with a traditional Khmer dance. One of my summer courses had an open topic research presentation and  I’d done a bit of research on the history of Khmer dance. Many traditional dancers died during the Khmer Rouge, but those who survived managed to find each other after the Khmer Rouge and continued dancing. I’m beginning to see dance as not only tradition, but also a form of rejoicing, as a way to overcome a painful past. As a way for a country to help heal some very recent wounds. I thought of the traditions that are important to me. Freshman year, my roommate Erika and I decided to go to mass for the feast day of Our Lady of Guadalupe at St. Ignatius down the road from St. Ed’s.  The procession began with traditional music and dance and the whole thing is beautiful. It’s a reminder of my Mexican heritage, which as I’ve grown older, I’ve become more proud of. This year I was really missing going to St. Ignatius with Erika, but I did enjoy a lovely mass with the Sisters and shared a very loud, "Happy Feast Day" with them at breakfast! The Christmas Bazaar was this past Sunday and we had such a good time. We've been working as a whole community for a few months now on making the Bazaar awesome and I will definitely be writing about it very soon. I had such a blast because my girls looked awesome during their dance, and I really enjoyed doing their makeup!   I really loved seeing my other students do their traditional dance too. My girls doing the traditional dance look like beautiful little princesses. They’re even doing another dance that is kind of like a courting dance. It’s actually very funny. One of my students plays a boy, but she just get so excited and into her dance, I forget that she’s supposed to be a silly boy. Her smile just lights up that stage and I’m so proud of her. I’m proud of my girls who are helping preserve the beauty and traditions of their own culture in the beauty of dance.

My beautiful second year girls in tradition Khmer clothes.

A Thanksgiving in Cambodia

As I’m typing, it is just pouring outside. It is the end of the rainy season, but yet the rain still continues, which is fine because it has been so hot lately. Maggie and I had our Thanksgiving dinner on Wednesday night, which was awesome! Who knew you could get such a good burger in Cambodia? Of course, Thanksgiving isn’t celebrated in Cambodia, but it doesn’t mean Maggie and I can’t celebrate, our Thanksgiving will just look a little different. Instead of turkey and dressing, we had liver and rice and some really yummy rice pudding thing for desser! Not exactly the same, but still pretty yummy. I’ve been thinking a lot of all the things I’m thankful for, and have even made it part of my girls’ monthly exam: Tell me what you are thankful for. The word thankful did take a couple of rounds of explaining, but we got it. I think. I’ll find out this weekend when I’m grading papers.

Our Pre-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving Dinner. Mike's Burger House did not disappoint!

Our actual dinner on Thanksgiving! That peanut thing in the middle was pretty awesome!

The rice pudding with black eyed peas dessert thing was also really good!

To be honest though, the last few weeks have been a little stressful. While I’m very excited that we’ve gained 30 new students, it’s been a little difficult adding people in the middle of the semester. Students have gone from my English class to Maggie’s class and from Maggie’s to mine and I have an all new Speech class. I’m trying to figure out how much English these girls already know, as well as their names. I’m still trying to figure out what Maggie’s class has or hasn’t covered compared to my class. This whole process has made lesson planning a little difficult. As much as I love my girls, things have gotten really hectic in a very short amount of time. We’ve been working on a dance for the Christmas Bazaar that isn’t completely finished, and today we started talking about what we’re going to sell.  Even other things that have nothing to do with teaching are starting to work my nerves. The other day I left my clothes to dry and went to get them in the morning, only to find that they were still wet. The post office box wouldn’t open. I scraped my foot on the foot of a chair the other day. Maggie got sick and had to go to the doctor. It’s still hot. 

Planning what to sell for the Christmas Bazaar

It would be easy to whine about what is or isn’t going my way, but that’s not the point. I’m not here to make Cambodia adjust to me, I’m having to adjust to Cambodia. Sometimes what I think is logical or makes sense, doesn’t make sense to others, and I have to stop and reword or rewrite what I’m trying to say. This can get frustrating because we come from a very now culture. I need something now, I want things to work now. For example, when Maggie was at the doctor, I took her class and they watched Finding Nemo, but 20 minutes of class was taken up by running up and down flights of stairs frantically trying to find a laptop, trying to connect the projector to said laptop, and trying to find decent speakers. In America, I could have that done in probably under a minute, but this is not the case in Cambodia. I have to have patient. I have to realize that I’m not in control of everything, and I have to be okay with that. These are just little reminders, and I’m honestly thankful for them. They keep me grounded. Sometimes I just have to remind myself to breathe through my nose and when things get tough you’ve got to “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming! What do we do? We swim, swim.” Did I just put a finding Nemo quote in my blog? Yes, yes I did. On that note, can I change the title of my blog from Feet on Earth, Heart in Heaven to Calm Down and Learn to be Patient, Love Cambodia? 

But now let me list some people/ things I’ve been super thankful for lately:

My parents, for being the best, most amazing parents anyone could ask for. They are the most beautiful example of love I know. They are supportive of everything I do, from moving to Austin for school, to moving to Cambodia for a year to teach, they’ve never told me no, you can’t.They have always believed in me, even when I didn’t believe in myself. Thank you for being my parents. I love you so very much.

My brother, sister-in-law, and handsome faced nephew. I miss you. Christopher, thank you for all that you’re doing. I miss being around you. Come home quickly and safely please! Chelsey, thank you for sending me random texts to make me feel better, and for keeping me updated on Liam and all the cool things he’s learning to do. I love y'all! 

My friends for always being there. From sending me to Cambodia with cards to read every month that I’m gone or to simply FaceTiming me when you get the chance, I love you all. I miss you dearly. Thank you for being there. Thank you for being my friends.

To my professors and all the teachers in my life. This is by far not as easy as it looks. Thank you for being good teachers. Thank you for caring.

To Maggie, who puts up with me on the daily. Although, the more we’re around each other, the more we learn how alike we are, so in that case, thank you Adam for sending me to Cambodia with myself. Really though, thank you for processing as much as I do, for laughing with me, and for sharing this experience with me. 

Finally, I’m thankful to God for this beautiful experience. Even when I don’t understand it. Even when I cry. Even when I get frustrated, thank you for letting me get frustrated.Thank you for being ever present and giving me some kind of reassurance by the end of the day, even if it’s just a moment of silence. Thank you for letting me be a small part in these girls’ lives. I love them so much. I’m so proud of them already.

My dance group. I haven't figured out yet how to get them to this end pose, but I'm working on it!

So that’s been my Thanksgiving in Cambodia! Hope you’ve had a wonderful Thanksgiving! Eat some leftovers for me!

Being Present/ A Sunburn in November

Have I mentioned that Cambodia has a holiday all the time? Maggie and I have been here since October and we haven’t technically worked a full week yet. This week was the Water Festival, which is a three day long event that marks the end of the rainy season and the reversal of the Tonle Sap River.  The whole thing is a really huge celebration along the river and people from all over Cambodia come to the capitol to compete in boat races. There is also special food served, called ungbok, which is made of bananas and coarse rice, and is only available during the Water Festival. The girls had school Monday and Tuesday and were off from Wednesday to the following Monday( Nov. 5-10). Every afternoon, the Cambodian flag is taken down the pole as the girls say the pledge to Cambodia. After this, they clean their assigned area of the school and head home. As the girls headed home for their week long vacation, I realized how much I was going to miss them. They all hugged me bye, and I told them to have a wonderful time, but I realized that July is going to be really hard when we say our goodbyes.

Water Festival officially started on Wednesday, but instead, Maggie, Kimmy, Sarah and I attended a Salesian spirituality day. It was wonderful to meet Salesians from other provinces in Cambodia. Some travelled 6 hours to get to Phnom Penh to catch up with everyone. We got to meet the other volunteers at the other Salesian schools that are not with the SLM program. They come from Australia and Germany and seem to love their work, just as much as we do! We all got together and did  ice breakers which included the Cha Cha Slide and the Australian classic “Peel the Banana.” The day started with a prayer to Don Bosoco to help guide us and a blessing dance from some small angels! It was adorable!  It was wonderful to hang out with our Salesian family in Cambodia. One of the key themes for our spirituality day is that God will provide. We had a visiting Salesian priest from the Philippines, who took the time to tell us his story, on how he became a priest, and his beautiful story of starting a school in the Philippines with a little help from the community and the grace of God.

Salesian Spirituality Day!

While we had a lot of fun with out Salesian family, Maggie, Kimmy, Sarah and I were excited to experience the Water Festival.  We went with some of the girls who stayed at the school during the holiday, so it was nice to experience the Water Festival with locals. People come from all over the country to do these awesome boat races. I loved the matching uniforms each team had; some even had sparkles and glitter, which made me smile. There were so many people and so many colors and these long rowing boats that made Maggie and I question how they got to the city all in one piece. It was an awesome sight! There was a light show at the end of the evening and fireworks at night. The whole night was gorgeous and we had such a great time being with everyone 

All the colors and sequins! It was awesome!

The crowds get pretty packed for the Water Festival! 

Fireworks to end our Water Festival adventure!

So while the Water Festival is a three day long event, it’s the same thing every day: Boat races, street food, fireworks. Now, I love all of those things, (minus street food, I haven’t tried it, but I just feel like that would be a poor life choice for me) but I don’t really care for large crowds. Maggie, Kimmy, Sarah and I decided it would be a nice weekend to go to the beach in Sihanoukville, which is only a few hours away. The sisters also agreed and made plans to go as a mini vacation of their own! We left on Friday and the sisters left on Saturday, and we decided it would be easiest to drive back to Phnom Penh together on Sunday. I booked hotels for the weekend and we were set! Now the beaches in Cambodia are pretty much the prettiest things I’ve ever seen, and as you can imagine, hotels by the beach can be pretty expensive, but Maggie and I found two great rooms that were only $15 a person. It wasn’t air conditioned, but is anything in Cambodia? Not really. 

Sunsets on the beach in Sihanoukville!

Our bus left at 10 am and the entire drive took about 4 and a half hours, which wasn’t too bad, considering the holiday traffic. When we arrived, it was pouring rain, and I was a little nervous that we’d booked during a poor weekend, but sure enough the rain stopped shortly after. We got to our hotel with no trouble, only to discover it was a minute walk from the beach. Restaurants line the sidewalk, then sand, then surf, so you can enjoy the beach view from your restaurant. The first night we walked around a bit, had dinner, and took a few pictures. We were getting a feel for what was going on at the beach and had our eyes set on something fun to do for Saturday. Sure enough, we found this really cool snorkeling package. The trip offered a boat ride to 3 of the islands just off the coast in the Gulf of Thailand, snorkeling, and lunch for a grand total of $15. It was practically a steal, so the girls and I jumped at the chance for it! It wasn’t until Saturday morning that we found out that Kimmy gets a little seasick. We were frantically looking for dramamine, but couldn’t find any and went on the boat just hoping for the best. I am happy  to say that Kimmy managed just fine without any dramamine! I am so proud of her for being such a trooper! We stopped at the first island and were free to swim and check out the coral reef. We started talking with a lot of cool people, like this couple from London who told us how much they loved Cambodia and tried to come here as often as they could. Snorkeling was amazing! Looking at the coral and watching all the little fish was the coolest thing! Jumping off the boat was fun, and  we loved watching this group of French travelers do dives. On our way to our second island, I looked at the amazing set of people in front of me. Families, friends, lovers, missionaries; people coming together to admire the natural beauty of Cambodia. It made me happy. Our second island had beach volleyball and this was our stop for lunch. Everyone got to relax and lay out on the beach- this may or may not have been where I got sunburned, but oh well! The girls and I took lots of pictures and drew in the sand and we all just had a nice time. We also talked to this guy and his friend who were in the military, but coming back to Cambodia for the first time. They were both born in Cambodia, but grew up in the States post Khmer Rouge. One had come back to Cambodia before, but this was the first time coming back for the other and he couldn't believe how much it had changed. It was interesting to meet them and hear about their experience coming to a place that had once been their home.

The girls and I in the gulf! 

On our final island, I will admit that I was getting really tired. We’d spent all day in the sun and I was totally burned, but once I was in the water, I realized how special this experience was. I typically hate being outside, but I was surrounded by such beauty that I felt at peace, which is a rarity. I'd distanced myself a bit from the boat and was floating by myself in the water just thinking about where I was. I’m floating in the Gulf of Thailand right now. Floating there, I decided to thank God for this moment, but also for bringing me to Cambodia in the first place. To teach the girls that I have come to love so quickly, to introducing me to all the wonderful people here, to giving me this opportunity in the first place. I took a while to just float and thank God for everything, it was the least I could do. I felt very present, and I love those moments.

Then I got stung my a jellyfish. 

Well it wasn’t really a jellyfish. It was a school of little stinger things that I spent the next hour picking out of my clothes. I’m still not sure what it was, but they kinda hurt and they irritated me. I know that. 

By this point I was completed burned on my back, the girls and I were wiped out, and I wanted a shower. As we sailed back to shore, Sarah asked us, after knowing the girls for a month now, what was something we hoped they’d learned from us. Maggie and I had similar answers; how much we care about them, how we want them to know they are capable of anything, and that they know their self worth. Oh, and of course I want them to learn English. We made it back to the hotel and found “Tex-Mex” food up the road, which Kimmy had never had, so we had to go. I had salsa for the first time in a month and a half, which wasn’t too bad. Kimmy experienced tacos for the first time and even though I told her to just eat them with her hands, she continued to use a fork and knife, which was adorable. Even though it wasn’t actual Tex-Mex, it was better than I thought it would be. We walked along the beach again and found a place that served ice cream, so we sat and talked and watched people light lanterns and fireworks into the sky.

While it pained me to watch Kimmy eat her tacos with a fork and knife, I still let her do it cause I love her or something. 

We had mass at St. Michael’s, one of the two surviving Catholic churches in Cambodia. I will definitely talk about it later in another post, but it was beautiful. Very quaint and hidden, it’s actually a gem. We had breakfast, walked on the beach one last time, and met with the sisters to head back home. What had been a 4 and a half our drive for us was cut by an hour for our driver, making it a little hard to sleep, but we arrived in Phnom Penh before we knew it. It felt nice to be home, but then I remembered I had grading to do. I still do. That’s kind of my life right now, grading, but it’s totally worth it. The girls who board here came back Monday night and greeted me with an attack of hugs. The attack of hugs makes grading every paper worth it. 

From Texas to Cambodia! 

Home is?

Can you believe I’ve been in Cambodia for a whole month? I can’t! The time has flown by pretty quickly! The girls are hard at work at their studies, I’m constantly grading papers, and everything is moving along. The girls have opened up to us so much more, telling us about their goals for the future. Every now and then the girls get frustrated and ask me why English is so hard. I then I have to reassure them that English is the hardest language to learn and I’m proud of them for trying so hard. English, is by no means, easy. Teaching, is by no means easy. Conclusion? Teaching English is not easy, but Maggie and I are managing to do this together, and I think the girls are learning, which is what’s most important. However, can I just shoutout to all my teachers/ professors: If I ever gave you a hard time, I’m so sorry. This is a public apology if I was ever a pain in the butt. 

Now while I absolutely love Cambodia, but I will admit that I did have a bout of being homesick a few weeks ago. I started really missing my family and friends, especially my handsome nephew! I got a bit of a stomach bug and was getting frustrated with what I could eat and started to miss what had previously been my life essentials: breakfast tacos and sweet tea. It got to a point where I teared up a little because I missed Native Texan Salsa. I mean, I wasn’t a totally wreck, but the realization that I wouldn’t be home for a year finally sunk in, and it hurt a little. 

I know I used this picture already, but I don't care! I love it!

Around this time, Maggie and I joined Sr. Leeza on her first home visit of the year. Sr. Leeza, the school principle, believes that it is important to set a relationship with the families; the families should know the school staff and vice versa. Seven girls opened their homes and introduced us to their families. The home visits showed me a lot of things. For one, it introduced us to parts of the city we hadn’t seen. From back alleys in the city to countrysides, we found out that our girls come from all over Phnom Penh. Two of my students live in the countryside and have to take a ferry to and from school everyday, leaving an hour early to make it in time. Some of the girls go through great lengths to get to school everyday. I realized I shouldn’t  have whined so much about my 10 minute commute from Pleasant Valley to St. Ed’s as much as I did. From their grandparents and siblings, to aunts and uncles, each family seemed thrilled to meet us. There was, of course, a huge language barrier, however the girls tried their best to translate. Most of the comments included something about their parents being proud that their daughters were going to school to learn English from Americans and how proud they were of their daughters. It was wonderful to put a face with the names of the parents and siblings of our students. Everyone was so gracious to us, and we really enjoyed the whole experience.

So if you know me, you know that the tiny house movement (Google tiny house movement!) is one of my latest obsessions. I love the idea of living in a smaller space. I am one person, and I don’t need a massive house to make me happy. It would make me get rid of the things I don’t need, and would be perfect for me if I lived by myself. Now, homes in Cambodia really seem to range from super fancy to barely a roof over your head. Across from the school is this house that might be bigger than the White House, which we jokingly call the Vatican and behind the school is this blue shack surrounded by nice homes. The structure and architecture is beautiful, but I almost feel guilty for admiring it.There’s almost no middle ground in the city; houses are either really big (even by American standards) or depressingly small. The home visits showed me where our girls come from. Some live in actual buildings, but most were small structures hardly bigger than shacks that were housing more than 5 people. Most didn’t have running water or toilet systems. I’ve always known that I grown up comfortably, and this was my reminder. In some ways it made me feel guilty because I would gladly choose to live in a tiny house, but my girls didn’t make that choice. Things that I take for granted, like the luxury of my own room, is something some of my girls don’t even know. As much as I would love to live in my tiny house, it doesn’t actually do anything to help the girls here. It doesn’t do anything to help the people who are already living in a tiny house, the ones that are a little more than shacks. Now I’m not saying I’ve given up on my tiny house obsession, but it has made me more self aware. Living in a city where the disparity is so drastic from street corner to street corner has made me aware of the types of shelter people have to utilize the best they can to work for themselves and for their families. Most importantly, the home visits and walking around the city has reminded me to be humble.

The super gorgeous, but not so humble, Vatican house.

Now, as I’d mentioned before, I was struggling with missing my own home, but seeing the girls with their families made me so happy. I think it even helped me get past my homesickness. I realized that it wasn’t even the places or things that I really missed, even if I did cry over salsa that one time. I started to think about all the areas I’ve ever considered home. At first, I thought my idea of home was a mix of structures and people. My senior year, I remember wondering who was living in my room from freshman year, and I hoped that they would have as great of a time in T-House as I did. I passed by my apartment a few days before leaving for Cambodia and wondered if the new tenants decorated as well as the girls and I had, if they’d make their apartment as homey as ours was. I began to notice that it was less of the structure and more of the people that make a home. My family sends me happy texts and updates about Liam all the time, which never fail at making me smile. My friends from Austin text me as if I were just down the road, and it makes me happy. When Maggie and I leave the school, we are always welcomed back by some of the girls who always want to know what we’ve been up to, even if it’s only our Sunday trip to St. Joseph’s for English mass. I’m starting to feel more comfortable here in Cambodia now that we have more of a routine and I’m getting to know the girls more. They’ve become more open with me, and some have even gotten a little sassy with me, which I greatly enjoy. When Maggie and I go out into the city, sometimes we see people we know, and we’ve realized we’ve hit a new point in our mission: we’re starting to become more familiar to people. Sometimes when I look at the girls during assemblies, I realize how much I just adore them. They make my heart happy and I’m realizing now that I’m feeling more at home.

Our post blessing of the school picture. Here are all the girls, teachers and nuns, and even Father! 

I started reading Something Other Than God by Jennifer Fulwiler, a Catholic convert from Austin. I’m not quite finished, but it’s been great so far, you should totally check our her awesome blog! Anyways, her book tells about her conversion story which all takes place in Austin, so you can imagine all the feelings I felt as I read her descriptions of home. She even went as far as to describe the tilapia from Central Market- the North Lamar store, but whatever. I totally reminisced about Central Market and my little family there and how they’re my home too. However, as I’ve been reading, I noticed that while I do get semi-emotional about her descriptions, I’m okay. Of course, I do miss home, but I get happy thinking about all my fun memories from there. I’ve also start to think of the memories Maggie and I have begun to make for ourselves here in Cambodia (“Why not?” “Because not.”) and how when I look at my girls, there is no place I’d rather be than with them! I’ve concluded that home is not a physical location, but a spiritual and emotional one. It’s where you find happiness. It’s where you find love. It’s where you see God in the people you’re with.

I love these wonderful ladies! Sorry my finger was in the way, oops! 

Don't Get Caught Up In Your Title

It’s been almost two weeks that I’ve been in Cambodia and I can hardly believe it! We’re moving along very quickly, but I think I’m adjusting fairly well. Maggie and I arrived on October 2nd, after having left on the 30th, and while our flights weren’t that bad, I think the time change messed with us a bit. The time difference between Texas and Cambodia is 12 hours, so my days have become nights, and my nights days. However, I’ve adjusted okay. It gets dark in the evening around 6, and the sun rises at 5:30 every morning, so I’ve actually become a morning person. If you know me at all, that is a HUGE surprise. It is very hot here in Cambodia and a little bit more humid, but generally similar to Texas, so I’m able to withstand the heat… sorta. At orientation, we joked that Salesians love stairs. This is now a proven fact, as I have to climb four flights of stairs to get to my room. Those stairs are probably my least favorite thing in Cambodia.

Peeled and unpeeled longans. Looks like an eyeball, right?

The food in Cambodia has been very good and we’ve had lots of interesting dishes. Maggie and I have french bread in the morning, along with fruit, cheese and an egg, as well as coffee. We have lunch with the sisters, usually soup, rice, meat or fish, fruit and vegetables; this is usually the same for dinner. The fruit here is one of my favorite things about Cambodia. What is exotic and expensive in the states, can be found all over in Cambodia. My favorite has been longan (Chinese for dragon eye), a small fruit that you peel and kinda looks like an eye. The inside has a seed, but the flesh around it tastes like cantaloupe! It’s super yummy, even if it looks a little weird. 

Sr. Teresa celebrated her birthday on the 15th. She's unwrapping her gift while Sr. My Hanh holds it.

Maggie and I have really enjoyed working with the sisters so far. There are seven sisters who we live with, and they come from all over the world. I think it’s beautiful to have so many different influences from different countries coming together to make one community. They have been very supportive and helpful in our adjustment! Some of the students live outside of the compound, but many of them (about 40) stay in the dorm room. The girls range from 18-22, and go to school here for two years. They learn English, Speech, Health,  Accounting, and Cambodian History, as well as a labor law class that tells them about their rights after they become employed.  Maggie and I are teaching English to first and second year students, as well as Speech to the first year students. My girls are wonderful and so smart and I love them already!

 My English 1 class! These girls are awesome!

My name in class is Teacher Amanda, and the girls greet us at every class with “good morning teacher” in unison, to which I have learned to respond “saum angkuoy choch” which means please have a seat in Khemer, to which they bow and respond “thank you teacher.” These girls are super respectful and it really surprised me the first time, but I’ve gotten used to it now, and ability to stay perfectly in unison is really impressive. I feel like I’m already at a point where they are all my children and they are all just perfect to me. You know how parents feel that their child can do no wrong? I basically feel the same way about my girls.

But I will admit that I was super nervous to teach. Girls started moving in the first weekend, and immediately started calling me Teacher, which really threw me off. I’ve never really identified as teacher. For 17 years, I identified as a student; I’ve come to identify as a social worker within the past few years, but never have I considered myself teacher. My title as Teacher Amanda really started to make me anxious. What qualifies me to teach people? I don’t have any formal education to teach other people English. The more I thought about it, the more nervous I became. These girls are learning English because they need to, in order to get a good job and be more independent. Learning English isn’t out of luxury, but instead because they need to provide for themselves. When I reminded myself of this, I started to feel insecure about myself and my ability to teach. Am I a good enough teacher for these girls? I shared a bit of my anxieties with a local priest named Fr. Kevin. Maggie and Fr. Kevin are friends, and he’d stopped by to ask us if we were ready for our first day as teacher. As I explained to him how I was having trouble with identifying myself as a teacher, he stopped me and said, “Don’t get caught up in the title, just be present with the girls. Listen to them and teach them what you can. That’s all that really matters to them.” While that was a good reminder to let the title go and just teach what I know, my teacher title was still getting to me. 

My English 2 class! My class rocks!

As the first day arrived, I reminded myself to not let the girls see how anxious I am. Surprisingly, teaching came a little easily. I realized very quickly I needed to have patience. I am a generally patient person, but I have my moments. I have to be very patient when the girls pronounce their words. Sometimes the sounds are off, and we start all over, but they’re working so hard because they want to learn. I by no means will say that teaching is easy, because it isn’t, but I have found it easier than I anticipated. Maybe it’s because they’re closer to my age, or maybe it’s their genuine desire to learn, but it’s been great and I’m realizing I can teach English, regardless if I’ve any formal training to do so or not. I remind the girls to let me know when I’m speaking aside, and I’ve welcomed them to ask me anything they want to know so they can practice their English. After class today, one of my girls asked me if I would teach when I got back to America, and I said that’d I’d likely go back to social work- being a professional helper, as I have explained to the girls. She very quickly responded, “Well teacher, aren’t you HELPING me learn English?”

That’s when it hit me. It finally came full circle. I know social work and teaching aren’t separate, but I’m finally coming to terms with identifying myself as Teacher Amanda. Regardless my name, my goal here is to help the girls learn English and that is exactly what they’re going to do. In class we talked about sharing our talent, and I shared with the girls a verse from a Noah and the Whale song called Give a Little Love, “What you share with the world is what it keeps of you.” I explained that to them that I know English and I will share that with them so that they can know English too. Maybe someday they will teach someone else how to speak English, or teach a talent of theirs’ to someone else. Bottom line, when we die, we can’t hold on to anything, so it’s best to put it back in the world in hopes someone else can use it too. 

Sreypea and Mon are thinking about how to answer their daily question.

When I think about it, some of my best teachers have been the most unexpected ones. I have been called many things in my life; Amanda, Manda, Mandaminator, Laughing Auntie, Teacher Amanda. Regardless of what people may call me and how I identify, I need to remember that we all have our own talents, and that everyone can teach someone something, no matter who they are or their title.

How I Got Here, Where I'm Going, and What I'm Doing Now

To be honest, these past few months have been a whirlwind. I finished my summer classes, officially graduated from St. Edward's, moved out of my Austin apartment back home to Yoakum, and flew to New York; all in a very short amount of time. It seemed like college had flown by so quickly, and here I was at the very end of it. Within four years I had discovered a passion for many things, a passion for social work, passion for my faith, and the passion to be of service to others. Perhaps it was a combination of studying both social work and Catholic studies that would eventually lead me to where I am now.  But even more specifically, it was while I was in India during an International Immersion trip through the Spring Break Experience Program, when I'd decided that I wanted to do this. I remember sitting quietly, helping one of the most adorable boys color a picture, and in our silence, realizing that I could do this long term. It was the first spark that made me realize that I could be a missionary. Now I still had two years of college to finish, but I knew if God wanted me to do this, He'd help me find a way. Looking at it now, I'm glad someone snapped this picture, because it was somewhere around here when I realized what I was being called to do.

The Holy Spirit is definitely in this picture somewhere.

Before I knew it, I was on a flight to New York for a three week orientation in preparation for Cambodia. My orientation was a wonderful and amazing experience! My fellow Salesian Lay Missioners (SLMs) are lovely people and I'm so blessed to know them! My site partner, Maggie, is one of the coolest girls I've ever met and I'm really looking forward to spending this next year working with her. I even learned that two other SLMs, Sarah and Clare, will also be in Phnom Penh at a school nearby so I have all kinds of SLM support whenever I need! We accomplished so much in New York during those three weeks and I ended up learning a lot more about myself. I learned about what to expect when going to mission, as well as what to expect when we come back. We also did a week of service, switching between working at a soup kitchen and helping at a summer camp. During our final week we attended a retreat with the Salesian brothers, which I think we all really enjoyed. I had so much fun getting to know all of the brothers who had come from all over, yet share the same beautiful Salesian spirit. It was during the final week that we were commissioned as official SLMs, and to be honest I'd never felt so at peace. During mass, we stood in line and waited to receive our small wooden crosses- necklaces for us to take on mission. It was here, as I waited for mine, that I felt a very calming presence; a sort of affirmation that this was definitely what I was meant to do.
It was in this silence, just as I had felt in India, that gave me a great sense of joy and I realized this was my connection with the Holy Spirit. So of course, just as I’m receiving my cross, I start to tear up because my heart is just so happy and content and I am genuinely at peace. Genuine peace is a great feeling, y’all. 

My lovely SLM Family post commissioning ceremony!

So who are the SLMs and what will I be doing in Phnom Penh, Cambodia for a year? The Salesian Lay Missioners is a Catholic organization run by the Salesian of Don Bosco, an order of the Roman Catholic Church. The SLMs have been around since the early 80's and have sent missionaries to various countries across the world and in the U.S. Some of the sites are orphanages, however, I will be teaching English to older girls (18-22) and, towards the end of the year, will help them find jobs in the city. The Don Bosco Skills Training Center for Girls, where I'll be working, is an all girls’ school that works with the poorest of the poor in Phnom Penh. A strong education is one of the most important things a child can receive and I hope to provide just that. I can't wait to meet my wonderful girls, the community of nuns I'll be staying with, and everyone else I cross paths with in Phnom Penh. I'm excited to see what God has in store for me this next year.

As of right now, I'm spending time with family and friends and preparing myself for this next year. I'm spending time subbing and just getting my feet wet in teaching, which has been really interesting. I never saw myself as a teacher, but then again, I never saw myself as a missionary either. I’m watching lots of Netflix and spending time with the most handsome baby I know, Liam. He makes me so happy, and it's a little weird to think that he'll be walking and talking the next time I see him! But for now, I get to watch him make the cutest faces possible, and I'm perfectly fine with that. 

My handsome-faced Liam Tate, aka Tatertot!

I've done a bit of reading on the similarities between Buddhism and Christianity, which I think is important, since I'll be in a country that is primarily Buddhist. I've always loved learning about other religions, as I think it's helpful when reaching out to people. I'm also trying to gauge how many books I can bring with me to Cambodia, which seems to be a popular question for us missionaries. I think I'm looking at a lot of C.S. Lewis and biographies, as well as some books I'd read in a class my freshman year. My professor had challenged us to come back to them later down the road, and I think now would be a good time. I'm looking forward to it all: a little Thomas Merton, Dorothy Day, Pope Francis, and Flannery O'Connor- this year is looking great! 

So for my blog title, I wanted something that would remind me of Don Bosco all the time. Don Bosco is the patron saint of young people and he knew that in order for children to succeed, they needed to be educated and they needed to know that people cared for them. He often gave the boys advice and reflections at the end of the evening, which the Salesians call “The Goodnight.” Don Bosco once said, “Walk with your feet on the earth, and your heart in heaven.”  I like to think he said this to the boys during The Goodnight. I think that quote can speak to many people of different faiths. It is in this quote that I see a beautiful challenge of balance. It is a healthy challenge to not forget one for the other; a reminder that we must be fully present on earth, yet consciously aware of heaven, which I think is just beautiful. I am by no means expecting this year to be easy, but I think we all deserve some balance in our lives, however we may find it. Prayer, meditation, writing, whatever it may be, I hope I figure it out and utilize it. I hope that during this next year, that I can remind myself to find a sense of balance every day, if only for a moment.